General Electric the Washing Machine requested my presence down in the basement yesterday. Of course I went. You don’t mess with him; he’ll socknap your stockings and tear your shirts if you do. He can get pretty childish when the mood strikes him.
What’s up, I asked him.
He said: I wanted to keep you up to date on the election.
Oh, thanks, I told him, but I’ve got that on the television upstairs.
General Electric said, with no small amount of indignation: Not those. Ours, down here! (Oops. Unrest in my own basement. Is there nowhere to hide anymore.)
Oh, right, I said. Who’s up for election, again? (Rats. I should have been paying attention, but you know how it goes. You get busy, and things get away from you.)
General Electric said: Mr. Sony the Television is running to unseat Senator Lennox the Furnace, on account of Senator Lennox’s belief that Sir Nautilus the Water Heater has been messing with the ballot computer and all ballots are void.
Oh, boy, that sounds a bit far fetched, doesn’t it? (I shouldn’t have said that. GE came unglued.)
YOU KNOW THAT’S TRUE! FRAUDULENT BALLOTS! THAT’S WHY I’VE BEEN DEMANDING A RECOUNT ON MY ELECTION! ALL THOSE UNCOUNTED VOTES THAT WERE FOR ME! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! TAKE ACTION! HE’LL LET IN KILLER APPLIANCES!
Whew, I guess I’ve forgotten how excitable General Electric is. I asked him who else was running for office down there: He said: The Septic System Group has nominated Tom the Tank for the other senatorship, and he’s running on a platform dedicated to toilet paper usage. General Electric went on: AND IT’S ABOUT TIME WE GOT RID OF PETER PIPER AND HIS CLOGGED BEHAVIOR, I TELL YOU@WILDASSERTIONS!
What has he got to say about toilet paper, I asked The General.
GE said: According to him, it’s time to hold excess paper usage down.
And how is he suggesting we do that?
GE said: By no more birdnesting of paper before you apply it, of course. It’s time he says to make folding four squares the standard. His posters all say: MAGA!
What’s that mean?
GE said: Make Appliances Great Again! He went on: Not only that, but he’s going to insist that all toilet paper dispensers have the paper come over the top.
That’s certainly taking the situation in hand, I told him. Then I asked him if any women were running for office?
No, he replied. Speed Queen the Dryer still has two years to go, but then I bet Freddy the Fuse Box will nominate Betty the Blender to run against Della Dishwasher.
Well, I said, it’s about time some dishwasher women get elected, isn’t it?
GE sighed, rattled his water hoses at me, and then shut his lid.
He’s against them, I guess, and has been ever since Speed Queen told him to hold his water next load.
When he didn’t do it, she reached over with her 240-volt cord and shocked the snot out of him.
He hasn’t been the same since.