The Prairie Spy

Alan “Lindy” Linda

At the monthly meeting of The Appliance Senate was: General Electric the Washing Machine, Lady Kenmore the Electric Dryer, Sir Nautilus the Water Heater, Dave Lennox the Furnace, Frigid Dare the Refrigerator, Sam Sung the Television, and last but not least, John Deere the Riding Mower. (John Deere was attending outside the sliding glass ground floor patio door. Mrs. Hoover the Vacuum Cleaner refused to have him in the house, because he was reaching an age where he occasionally lost control of his fluids, a condition he had developed in his old age. I’m also older. I sympathized, but Mrs. Hoover was mean. She was not to be crossed.)

On the agenda were a couple of things. The General called the meeting to order: “Now hear ye, hear ye, The Senate is now in session!” He was kind of authoritarian, but this was an unruly crowd. “Let’s hear old business first,” he said. He looked to me as the acting secretary. None of them, of course, can hold a pencil.

“First,” I said, “we unanimously resolved to pour some stronger cleaner down Tom the Toilet.” “Hear hear,” the Senate sang. Sam Septic System sent in his support via email. He was Zooming in on the meeting, being as how he’s pretty immobile.

I paused to survey the Senate. They seemed to be paying attention to me. Which worried me. With a  burst of sound like flushing, Tom the Toilet Zoomed in: “I want to thank whomever it was that poured that bag of peppermints into me. Those were great!”j

“Is that what those were,” Zoomed Sam S. “I thought those were quite tasty.”

I looked over at S.: She had a bit of a guilty look. “What!” she said. “I thought they’d like some candy.” “Hear hear!” chorused the rest of The Appliances. Sir Nautilus the Water Heater got so excited he squirted some water on the floor. We bowed our heads. Pretended we didn’t see. He doesn’t like anyone knowing about his tendency to wet the floor when he’s excited. G E cleared his throat, stared at the floor. Was that some mist around his hoses? Good grief. At this rate, I’ll have half the Senate in diapers before long.

In an attempt to move things along, I said: “Okay. That’s it for old business. Anybody got any new?”

General Electric waved his hoses to get my attention. “There has been an awful lot of attention lately on the news, and I want to ask you directly, Mr. Secretary–Do you in fact have any Top Secret documents stashed in your office, bathroom, garage, or wherever?”

They all know that in one of my past lives, I had gotten a Secret Clearance from the government, and did, in fact, have access to communications that were marked Secret.

“Oh, good grief,” I told them, “I don’t have any of those anymore. It’s been 40 years since I handled that stuff.”

General Electric was not to be deterred. He said: “That’s what all those no-good politicians said, until the truth came out.” He was getting worked up. Lady Kenmore, who of course sits right next to him, tried to quiet him. She whispered something in his ear, and then said to me: “He thinks we should search your office.”

“Okay,” I said, “That concludes new business. I vote we adjourn…”

Tom the Toilet said: “I’ll second that, if you’ll send some more peppermints my way.” 

“You got it,” I said, “See you all next month.”

With that, I fled. I blessed the fact that, except for John D., none of them had legs. Not that they cannot make my life miserable.

And often do.