Illogic decisions are what makes a writer’s heart beat
News | Published on September 3, 2021 at 2:33pm EDT | Author: Chad Koenen0
What writers love more than anything else is illogic. Several years ago, it was no further away than the local exercise gym. (Maybe they’ve changed the policy by now.)
“We have a new program here sponsored by your health insurance agency that will reimburse you in actual dollars if you come and exercise at least eight times each month.”
Really? And theDoubleCross insurance endorses this program?
“Oh, yes. Just give me a voided cancelled check to enroll and each month, you’ll find a deposit for $20.00.”
Really? A health insurance company reinforcing healthy behavior for its participants? Unheard of. Pinch me, and sign me up.
Sure, twenty bucks doesn’t even cover the membership fee, much less the cost of gasoline to get over there, but anytime you find logic in today’s world, what the heck! Don’t pass it up.
Three months went by, didn’t see any deposits, thought I’d ask. “Oh,” said the bookkeeper, “DoubleCross doesn’t support this program for teachers.”
They don’t? Who do they support it for?
“Everyone else, pretty much,” was the reply. “Sorry.”
Writers love such illogical decisions, because it gives them a reason to fuss and fume and consider all kinds of inflammatory and cutting words that will point out our superior ability to slash and burn with the English language.
So I’m thinking about writing DoubleCross a letter. Maybe it would go something like this, remembering, as my mother once said, you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar:
Dear Idiots, Mental Midgets, and Petty Functionaries:
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your recent decision to reinforce teachers away from exercising. Such inconsistent, nonintegrative, socially negligent behavior, as this is, completely and logically supports our country’s position as 14th in the world for medical care and 1st for cost. Yes, that’s right. We’re paying top dollar in the world for care better gotten in 13 other countries, all of whom are smaller, less educated, worse fed, more crowded, and apparently smarter than any of you.
Logically, you administrative Neanderthals who have a shoe size close to your IQ have completely closed the circle on this one, now no doubt having office parties and yearly bonus orgies to celebrate behavior which supports the result that your original behavior created. Congratulations. This move ranks right up there with invading Iraq when there are countries much closer and more convenient for invading, and ranks very close to the one state of all 48 states which doesn’t have a water shortage telling the next state we’ll drill wells for them so that we can have a water shortage, too.
One can only imagine that many of you boneheads at DoubleCross are even now preparing to enter government, where fresh stupid ideas are in constant demand, and fresh fools to bear them forth are welcome. Admittedly, this last move of yours takes you out of the minors and into the bigs. You have proven beyond a doubt that you can survive and flourish with the worst of them.
Teachers, you seem to indicate, don’t need exercise. There are probably several reasons circulating for this. Let’s make some up and see if they fit. First, teachers don’t need exercise because they have large brains, which makes them much more intelligent than folks who have to work for a living.
“Their heads will sink and they’ll drown if they go swimming,” so might one health insurance benchwarmer speculate. “If they try to jog, their heavy brains will agitate and turn to potato salad, and then who will teach our fat children?” so said another petty functionary.
“Maybe they could pedal a bicycle,” said one. “No, if they do that, their heart rate will go up, their blood pressure will go up, and their large brains will explode.” Well, that’s not good, said another.
“Well, we cannot let them exercise, for if they do, their necks will get strong, they’ll lift their heads up, and then they’ll look around to see where the sweet rolls and doughnuts are coming from, and they’ll discover that we’ve been bringing them so they won’t leave and get a job somewhere else.” Better to keep them in a sugar coma, some one said.
Maybe there are other reasons why you don’t want teachers thin and healthy. If teachers start teaching healthy behavior, and everyone gets healthy, well…. “Oh, Lord,” said another tubby functionary, “If everyone got healthy, what would we do?”
“Where would we go?” “We’re even less qualified to get real jobs than people with big brains.” “We could always enter government.” “Yes, but they would only take the stupidest. What about the rest of us who are merely dumb?”
“That’s why we have to keep teachers unhealthy. We’ll get everyone else healthy, we’ll still have jobs, and we’ll have teachers to blame.”